No, really. I'm going to kill myself.

GOD DAMNIT.

I've honestly never thought of committing suicide ever in my entire life. Like I would say it jokingly and what not. But this time around, I am seriously considering it. I remember a month or two ago my parents and I got into a huge fight. A HUGE fight over my current legal issues that I am dealing with. And all I can remember from that night was how much I cried over it, and how if I had a gun, I would have done it. I swear to fucking God I would have done it. And I remember the day after I was released from my legal issues, how hard I cried and how again, if I had a fucking gun, I would not be here right now. I never thought in a million years this would happen to me, this horrible horrible life that I live. How could I have done this to myself and my family? Will I loose friends over this, and more importantly, it is worth taking my life over? I am strongly considering it. I wish I were joking like I usually am. I might loose a job offer because of the shit I did, and if I do..that night. I'm blowing my fucking brains out and I can't fucking wait.

i wish things could go back to the way they used to be. like easier. less stress. less worry about self image and how fat you've gotten over the week.

i dont know how i feel today, but upset enough i guess to want to write some shit out so i can get it out instead of keeping it in; and i am not one of those fucks that posts about how sad they are all over facebook.

and its not due to me being single for over three months. i am enjoying that. its great, nothing  and no one holding me back from doing what ever the fuck i want. meeting who i want, nothing here for me, so getting out of here is my next step.

what is it with me. i am up one day and down the next. i cant get over anything. i sat in bed the other night thinking of shit i did forever ago, and like really? why. whyyy.

if i cant love myself then how the hell am i going to love anybody else. i think ive heard rupaul say that. heh.

in other news, i might kill myself, and i have recently fell in love with photography all over again.

all i am thinking about lately is about someone who doesnt give a fuck about me and about someone who doesnt want me. yeah dude, it fucking sucks. break ups suck. everything sucks.

trying that whole oh lemme do me and you do you thing, and all i want to do is you, dear.

I wish you felt the same way. but you dont and i know it. and i know we wont work out ever again, but i wish you knew how much you really meant to me. i dont even miss our relationship, i miss your company. just being around you. just being around someone who gives a fuck. not like everyone else. you were different. you were the only thing that mattered. the only real relationship ive ever had.

i am, was, sitting at my desk, rubbing my eyes, and trying to exhale all of the shit I feel on the inside. I can't seem to move on.

so yeah that kind of sucks.  like really sucks.